I want the world to know that suicidal thoughts are unwanted thoughts.
I was shocked when these uninvited thoughts began to emerge. The first reaction being: "Oh my God, stop thinking that." It was not difficult back then to just push the thought from mind.
As time pushes on though and the depression digs itself in.....the unwanted answer keeps offering itself more frequently and more boldly. There is little conscious thinking before the idea appears. A voice - not my own, offers the suggestion at very vulnerable times. Last night was one such time.
It came abruptly and forcefully. "Get the pills and be done with this." My response came as quickly. I drove myself to a remote part of a park. As my sane voice began to debate with the sick voice I got out of the car and began to pace around a bit. My palms were beginning to sweat and I could feel my heart rate increase. The urging of the sick voice became louder in my head and began to drown out the protesting of the ever weakening sane voice. Just as it seemed that the illness would win - I heard a voice. At first I was so lost in thought I hardly knew from where it came. But there standing right in front of me, stood a woman asking me a question. I however, hadn't heard. Her gaze went from me to a logo on the front of my jacket. "Are you a golfer?", she asked. "No", I replied. "This jacket is just from a fundraiser". She simply smiled....nodded and walked past me.
My dangerous argument had quieted. My mind back to a calmer silence.
The crisis abated by a curious stranger.
Such madness.
