Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Crisis Mode

I've spent the past couple days in crisis mode. It seems like every six hours was a challenge to stay focused on getting well. As this appointment with the psychiatrist approaches I feel worse. Not only am I mentally screwed up, I'm physically ill as well. I don't see myself in this doctor's office on Monday. Monday is a year away.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

What Stood Between Me and the Morphine

As crazy as it may sound - the therapist who closed the door on me stood between me and 30 morphine tablets. God must work in very mysterious ways. How could the lady who turned me away at my very lowest have saved me from an overdose? Somewhere in the very back of my mind the thought that she can help me put a sudden stop to my insane impulse. It's actually the second time in about a week that she intervened that way. What's even stranger is that I had convinced myself that she didn't really care (otherwise how could she have shut the door on me?). The only answer can be prayers.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I Arrived to Saturday

Hang on, hang on, hang on.
It's a simple little motto that helped me arrive to this morning.
I'm forcing myself out of the house right now to see if a walk will help my mind.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Wake Me Up When This Is Over

It's only 6:00 in the evening with the whole night ahead of me. Most of you are probably so happy to have all these Friday night hours ahead of you. I simply dread them. I have discovered over the course of the past week or so that there is no place to run to. Sometimes I think....there must somewhere I can go to get me out of this darkness. So many different places come to mind but no matter the change of scenery I am still disconnected from everything around me....still stuck with this emotional amnesia. A body just taking up space.

My young son is out with friends until late tonight which is great for him. Being around his mom is the last thing he needs. Lately, I reason that the mom he knows has pretty much vanished. He is old enough to know it and I'm powerless to help him. It isn't unreasonable to say that he'd almost be better off were I not here at all.

Lifeline tells me that children count as a positive safety factor for those in my kind of hell. I suppose that means I am in for a terribly long night.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Morphine Calls

It is the morphine pills that call to me tonight. To quiet the argument going on in my head I went out and left the temptation at home.
The day has already been 40 hours long and yet the clocks reads only 8:00 pm.
Many years ago England did a study on suicide victims who chose gas ovens as their mode of escape. They came to the conclusion that when those precious few moments of mental crisis arrive....there sits the oven - a quick and easy answer. Many, many people took it. England went on to change over home ovens to electric and guess what? Their suicide rate dropped by more than 50%. I guess the lesson is - if the means is not readily available than the sane part of the mind has a chance to win the argument.
Will I be here for my appointment on the 26th?
Prayers have got to be the "x" factor.
Please keep them coming Cyberspace.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Dilemma

I have a dilemma...
Leave a lethal amount of pills home or take them with me wherever I go? It is an ongoing debate for me over the course of the last couple days.

You see, when I had the crisis at the park recently it was somewhat shocking to me that I ended up "on the edge of the ledge" so quickly. I'm not sure I'd be here typing had that stranger not walked into my path. I had been able to leave the pills at home following that crisis but now the urge to keep them in my possession is back. The mind just battles back and forth on it.

I realized today that if I make it to this appointment day of the 26th - why will I need a psychiatrist's help? That would mean that somehow I have survived this hell for 4 weeks on my own, with just you - my Cyberspace lifeline.

Going It Alone

I had heard somewhere of a seriously depressed person who came out of their fog on a simple walk. They plodded along in their mental darkness when in crossing over from one street to the next - the lights came on. Their depression... gone - just in reaching the other side of the road.
I decided to try a walk last evening. I wanted so much to have the same result. I however, came home just as I had left.
Still I wait - 13 days until someone might tell me how I might find my way out of this.
My young son in the mean time - can't figure out where his mother went.

I know I thought it great just that you are out there Cyberspace but I have another favor to ask of you.
If you pray....please pray for me. I don't want this.